i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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