Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
