woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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