I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
