I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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