I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The air was thick with penises
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
