May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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