Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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