the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
