Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
