If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
