Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
