So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
