I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
