I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
