I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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