ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
