Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
