I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
