Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I canβt handle this place without those handjobs
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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