After last night, I could never be a politician.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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