Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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