What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
