call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
