She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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