last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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