hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
