I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
