when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
