Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
