dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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