I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
