It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
