I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
