I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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