You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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