Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
