How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
