If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
