Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
