Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
