I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
