he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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