new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
