dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
