I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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