Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
