I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
