Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
