I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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