I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
